february the 19th

I am a loser.

I felt crappy all day. Physically and mentally. My body ached, I had a massive headache and my throat felt like it was on fire. My mind was worse. I couldn't think. I couldn't write. I couldn't formulate normal things.

Everything is getting on my nerves. My life. My car. I look in the mirror and I'm irritated by my looks. I'm irritated that the sun won't come out. I'm irritated with the rain. I can't stand myself.

I have thought up a new sleepless fury layout. I have also thought about trashing svengali. I have gone surfing around the new and I see sooo many sites that are just so much better than mine. When I look over my site it just looks plain, like a painful blur. Well, if I continue with svengali the new fury layout won't be implemented until March, just so that I can keep it easy and not totally overload my brain.

My poetry writing is suffering. I haven't produced anything for the last two days. Even though I don't put something up in Sleepless Thoughts everyday, I still write, but today and yesterday *shakes head* I haven't been able to do anything. I think it has something to do with this sudden self-resentment.

This guy came up to me in English class to ask for something, and I snapped back at him. Can you believe that? I had the nerve to snap at this guy who did nothing to me! Am I turning into an asshole? God, I hope not.

I told my lacrosse coach that I wasn't going to play with them anymore. He inferred that I was stupid. Fuck him.

I got home and my sister was listening to some crappy music. I winced and went immediately downstairs. I decided to finish cleaning my room, and so I did. Now my father can't bitch about it not looking like a "college student's room". What the hell is that? When you go college your living habits suddenly change? My ass. Nonetheless, I cleaned my room just so he wouldn't have a reason to get all pissy.

Don't get me wrong, I like living in a clean room. It's just that sometimes it does get into a big mess after I have people over, or if I'm rummaging through some old stuff, and I just get lazy to put everything back in the right place. I DO clean my room, it just takes time. I like doing it in small increments. So shoot me.

Around dusk I went over to the park by myself. I sat there in the middle of this huge field wanting to see the sun set past the horizon. Instead I got to see dark clouds get darker. I started thinking about everything, but mostly bad stuff. About all the mistakes I've made, how I hate myself, how I can't find a decent young lady to share my emotions with. Then I got started thinking about the 5 people who were close to me that I lost just this year. It was a sad outing to the park, but I needed to get outside, to smell the oh-so-close-to-fresh-but-not-quite air and just be away from people for awhile.

I have 2 research papers to start, an oral report on Blank Verse for this coming monday, and an interview paper due the tuesday after that. I better get my procrastinating ass moving.



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