life observations, thoughts

i had a dream this evening.

this has been the first time i have been scared in a dream (or at least, from what i can remember) in years.

small droplets of water rolled in as i raced through the evening rain. light fragments dissolved and refracted off the little specks of water as the wind pooled them into moving rivers. thoughts of excess and living rampantly ping-ponged inside of me while street lights blurred off into the rear view mirror like distant memories. i pondered for a moment where i was – and i was still there.

i long to be continuously self-motivated. motivation comes to me in spurts (more not than often) and when those peaks of “go!” begin to wane away i grasp at its dissipating trails and beg for it to stay. they usually never listen as they race off into the light leaving me behind to slink away.

i’m going to work. buzz me if you know how to get in touch with me – i’d like to hear what you’ve been up to, i’d like the company.

throwing caution into the wind. that was something that i was going to attempt with the newest incarnation of my collected personal writings. mind you, i did make some minor effort to protect those that i mentioned so there wouldn’t any type of backlash towards them, but i wasn’t really looking to protect myself in any way. i mean, why did i need to? not many people knew that i was writing again (except for you few crazy people that stayed on my mailing list during the two year hiatus from the web – i love you guys!) and mostly because this is for me. it’s my page, it’s my writing, it’s my thoughts and feelings, so why should i not benefit because of being worried about what others would think of me and what i was thinking?

because of this, i became embarrassed. not because someone who i wrote about eventually found what i was writing and questioned why i would write those things about them without talking to them about it. it was because i couldn’t believe i hadn’t done it sooner. having written about what went on in my life for several years, i always wrote through the filter of preventing any type of negative altercation of consequence; this left my writings drab and mundane for the most part, without any real sense of emotion or genuineness.

granted, i could have chosen some words with more wisdom – if i weren’t so lucky some people might have been offended or hurt, which would definitely not have been my intent. as i pointed out earlier, this is for me. this is a way for me to process my stream of consciousness in a tangible way, a way to get all the analytical out in front of me in a tangible manner. and i love it.

even with the television muted i can still hear what guy pearce is saying: rolo tomasi.