to write: it’s like my mind wants to do it, but my body doesn’t want hear any of it.
i’m not exactly sure what it is – work has been keeping me busy, family has kept me entertained, and every idle moment is spent thinking about her.
lack of effort has left me stagnant and i find myself struggling instead of flowing, which is something i’m not fairly comfortable with; projects seem to roll better when things are flowing, while when i force things, they seem hard and unpolished.
but sometimes hard and unpolished work – they don’t necessarily mean ugly. raw, maybe, but not ugly.
outside the air rushed past me in goddamn hurry, while i smoked quietly, tucked in my winter jacket and maroon sweater. after being approached by mr. lawnguy we laughed and shot the shit, making inane observations and contemplating where the sun had gone. i queried whether he thought the autumn leaves dropped rather quickly this season; he seemed to agree.
i shouldn’t be smoking. smoking is bad for me. at least when i need to sing in a week.
time spent with the significant other has been minimal and leaves much to be desired. if she were reading this i’d ask her not to take this the wrong way because time spent together is always wonderful, sublime and fulfilling – it’s the lack of time spent together which can be frustrating. of course she knows about all this as we both emphasized that communication was the only way to go if we were to be successful in our adventures together, and success is what we desire!
“i’m not being fair to you”, she meowed apologetically, and i assured her that it’s not her fault and that it’s something we would both need to work on. i explained that on my side i could understand anything and everything until i was blue in the face, but regardless, the idle time would allow my mind to wander and wonder, asking questions that could only be answered by her and when she’s not there the questions would stew and fester into an unintended ugly child crying endlessly. i continued to reiterate that this is something i would need to work on.
“you’re too understanding – almost makes me paranoid”, she sang further. i rebutted with my own paranoia, referring to my previous comments about idle time.
“but we don’t spend enough time together. i’m sorry that i can’t see you as much as i want to, and i’m sorry that when we do get to talk all i do is bitch about boring work stuff”, she inserted.
so i says, “listen. it’s ok to apologize for not being able to see me, but it’s not ok to be sorry for bitching. this is what i’m here for. when i got into this i signed up to care about you and to care about what you care about. so bitch if you need to, because i really do want to hear it, i want to hear what you think.”
i got prince of persia: the sands of time on friday. it was promptly beaten the day after. it’s a very fun game with clever puzzles – truly a triumph in terms of bringing such a prestigious gaming franchise into the world of 3D… but i guess i just expected more. i managed to beat it in less than 9 hours, and even though it was a lot of fun i can’t help but wish it was a little more challenging. kudos to ubisoft though for managing to pull it off.
work is assiduous, which one could suppose is good. yet, it feels unsatisfying. sometimes i get the feeling like a) they feel like they are doing us some kind of favor paying us salary and b) that they don’t think we deserve what we are getting paid, despite how low it is compared to industry standards.
and such is life.