life observations, thoughts

i was inundated with work today. out of nowhere it came and hit me, like a midnight storm that is angry at you because you cursed at it when you were a young child. you couldn’t help it though, because the storm was so big and noisy and black, and you hated it and it scared you and you didn’t want to have anything to do with it. yes, inundated like that.

i have multiple clients breathing down my neck, and what do i do? i sit at my computer and ignore the piles of paper stacked around me like the beginning of a fortress and chat away, surf and write stupid little poems. for awhile i had my priorities right – i was motivated and feeling clean and heroic and inspired. i’ve decided that i’ll feel that way again, but not right now. maybe tomorrow.

i preordered a GBA SP from a company that imports japanese stuff (because stupid NOA won’t have a damn black one for north america, how dumb is that? now i gotta go ahead and waste more money on a fun little gadget that i will love and cherish and not because i dropped a fat nut on it) and for their manual authorization of my order they required me to scan the front and back of my credit card and send that to them. fucking weird and seemingly unnecessary and something that makes me feel un-intrepid. i had visions of small asians running around the streets (hey, that sounds like me) buying up all sorts of goodies from the streets of hong kong, laughing as they slide a fake credit card that has my information implanted within its magnetic goodness which would in turn siphon millions of dollars from my accounts. only thing is, i don’t have millions of dollars in my accounts. i scanned it and emailed it to them anyway.

i want to smoke. the craving for nicotine is maddening, and the constant undulation of my discipline has let me come close to failing in the face of temptation. i am particularly strong today and have only thought about cigarettes a few times, which is a large contrast from yesterday where every irritating moment, every comment that i didn’t want to hear, every searing criticism that pounded at my skull made a little voice in my mind’s ear whisper “smooooooooke…. smoooooooooooke…”…

but i’ll beat this damn vice yet. i’ve got it on the ropes, i tell ya.

i stepped out of the shower and realized that i hadn’t used soap or shampoo. i stepped back in and 5 minutes later i realized i still hadn’t soaped or shampooed. i didn’t know where my mind was. i hadn’t felt this muddled since the whole j— situation. i missed her.

we haven’t spoken in several months. at first it was wonderful, then messy, then things got better but eventually our feelings for each other just made things all messy again. when we last spoke i was hurt and she was crying but i hung up the phone anyway. that was the last time i heard her voice, the last time i felt her love. since then we’ve walked on different paths and i often wonder how she is REALLY doing. i find it difficult to clean my desk at home because there’s so much shit on it that reminds me of her that i end up feeling sad and need to lie down, or i end up distracting myself with videogames or television. one of these days i just need to close my eyes and spill everything into a box, tape it up, and toss it into the basement. doesn’t fix anything, but it’ll be out of sight, out of mind.

i finished filing my taxes today. avoiding the april 15 rush is definitely a big benefit, getting the 1k+ is a bigger one. i don’t have the hate that a lot of people associate with taxes; for the most part it’s treated me well. i haven’t gotten in trouble and i’ve had a refund most of the time instead of having to owe, but i’m sure i did get in trouble, or had to pay a sizable amount, or went through an audit i’d change my mind. but here’s to good times, and i’ll enjoy them while it lasts. i just hope that it’ll last for a long time.

i avoided writing the past couple of days not because i had a lack of things to say, but because i had too much in my thoughts. so much was on my mind and i wanted to let things sink in before i really let myself go and put something down in a pseudo-permanent type of way.

last saturday i told a— that i felt hurt that i had been brushed off. he looked at me puzzled while i explained that i understood what happened and that in no way did it get in the way of our friendship, but that it hurt and that it was eating away at me. i continued to speak even as his confusion melted away until i had finished my thoughts. wednesday… celebrate… drinks… h——… he apologized several times as he mixed what looked like tunafish and mayonnaise and spread it on multigrain bread. i said that everything was fine, because it was, but that i just needed to get it off my chest.

i have this fear of being under appreciated. i mean, it’s not like i do things in order to look for opportunities to be recognized – i would hate that. that would seem fake and vile and horrible to me, and those are adjectives that i don’t want to associate myself with (although there are times when i can’t really avoid that). i guess what i’m saying is that sometimes i feel like i’m being selfish when i say that things add up, but how can they not? when someone sticks up for you and is there for you and supports you and helps you out in anyway possible, can’t you say thank you? wouldn’t you want to do something special for them to pay you back if you could and had the chance? i mean, yeah, i guess that’s what i’m saying.

so that’s why i spent the past few days after the quarter century anniversary of my birth mulling over and wondering why some people who i considered friends would make me feel like i hadn’t done anything for them, like i hadn’t been the friend for them that i strived to be. that’s why i told a— how i felt and why i complained to my sister and avoided listening to her advice, despite it being good, and why i momentarily felt sorry for myself. i hated feeling that way but the feeling has since subsided; “that’s life”, i thought and everything was better.

most of my friends and loved ones did remember, and that’s what counts. i love them and will always remember.

friday night was especially nice. s——‘s room was warm and dark, and as candles flickered strange shadows on her ceiling we laughed and watched several numbing tv shows that were nonetheless entertaining, and played silly games (tetris included, although that is very much not a silly game). as we threw the covers over us, exhausted, she whispered something in my ear which i have since forgotten but i remembered that it was sweet and genuine and that even though my only response was to tickle her she knew i that i understood and wanted it that way.

we were eating pizza when a—‘s dad (this is a different a— by the way) asked me whether i did anything besides work and hang out with work associates. i was kind of taken back – knowing that i am somewhat close to a—‘s family i couldn’t figure out right then what might have been the motivation behind that type of questioning. i still don’t, to be honest, despite that this happened saturday evening. i retorted by saying that even though i believed i was a pretty social person, i admittedly wasn’t really social of late and then proceeded to fumble through several excuses why this was the case. in my head i was thinking “because i need to be a hermit sometimes in order to recharge” but my response really didn’t come out that way.

i’ve been working on my dream recall and have been exercising this through the use of a dream journal. i sometimes get jabbed because of this, but i’ve always been jealous of people who can describe all their dreams with lucidity and confidence. i remember my dreams from time to time but often forget through the morning rush and this is something that i want to change. an interesting observation though: in the past 2 weeks i’ve remembered 8 dreams. six of them have been about women.

i’ve decided that i cannot write when there is a movie going on in the background. it probably doesn’t help that it’s a movie that i absolutely adore, but i’ve decided to listen to music instead if i really want some type of white noise entertainment.