i was inundated with work today. out of nowhere it came and hit me, like a midnight storm that is angry at you because you cursed at it when you were a young child. you couldn’t help it though, because the storm was so big and noisy and black, and you hated it and it scared you and you didn’t want to have anything to do with it. yes, inundated like that.
i have multiple clients breathing down my neck, and what do i do? i sit at my computer and ignore the piles of paper stacked around me like the beginning of a fortress and chat away, surf and write stupid little poems. for awhile i had my priorities right – i was motivated and feeling clean and heroic and inspired. i’ve decided that i’ll feel that way again, but not right now. maybe tomorrow.
i preordered a GBA SP from a company that imports japanese stuff (because stupid NOA won’t have a damn black one for north america, how dumb is that? now i gotta go ahead and waste more money on a fun little gadget that i will love and cherish and not because i dropped a fat nut on it) and for their manual authorization of my order they required me to scan the front and back of my credit card and send that to them. fucking weird and seemingly unnecessary and something that makes me feel un-intrepid. i had visions of small asians running around the streets (hey, that sounds like me) buying up all sorts of goodies from the streets of hong kong, laughing as they slide a fake credit card that has my information implanted within its magnetic goodness which would in turn siphon millions of dollars from my accounts. only thing is, i don’t have millions of dollars in my accounts. i scanned it and emailed it to them anyway.
i want to smoke. the craving for nicotine is maddening, and the constant undulation of my discipline has let me come close to failing in the face of temptation. i am particularly strong today and have only thought about cigarettes a few times, which is a large contrast from yesterday where every irritating moment, every comment that i didn’t want to hear, every searing criticism that pounded at my skull made a little voice in my mind’s ear whisper “smooooooooke…. smoooooooooooke…”…
but i’ll beat this damn vice yet. i’ve got it on the ropes, i tell ya.