Jun 03


so, the girl is down at myrtle beach for a week, and even though i just talked to her for an hour plus, it just doesn’t feel like enough. god, i’m a dork.

excitement rattles through my bones, with a pinch of trepidation and anxiety – the days of routine and certainty feel blissfully distant, but i should be careful not to mistake this new awareness with something that itself will become habitual. one must not get lulled into complacency, a very wise fellow once told me, and i will be careful to listen to those words.

there is an open space waiting to be consumed, which is a good thing; trying to decide what to fill it with, especially when you are used to it being so cluttered, is what is proving to be difficult. i’ve contemplated inflating it with strains of motivation and self perpetuating garbage, but it doesn’t feel right yet, but i’m also concerned that with hesitation it might become gorged with intentions that aren’t quite as noble. grrr, the vicious circle, the self-fulfilling prophecy, always nipping at my heels.

at this moment however, with echoes of technicolor yawns and vanilla smelling necks, i welcome morpheus into my mind and hope that the journeys he leads me on will be wondrous and insightful, leaving my wide eyed, in awe and in peace.

Jun 03


this has become a habit. the whole going home and sleeping for 13 hours after several consecutive days of sleep deprivation. i surmise that it’s something that needs to be done; the brain needs rest, it needs to shutdown, at least on a conscious level. i could give a fuck about what happens in dreamland (well actually, i really DO) because i usually don’t remember it – especially after a marathon catching-up-on-sleep session.

waking up after a van winkle can be pretty refreshing for the most part, especially when going through several work days like a zombie, cruising through the motions. it’s hard to feel stimulated at work, when it’s the same old same old, with exciting projects walking in our doors as often as you see blue moons. so yeah, it’s refreshing and all, but my over analytical brain also keeps nagging me that it’s such a waste! 13 hours that i could be doing something else! cleaning, working, designing, jamming, anything other staying secluded in my dark room with nothing but the hum of my alarm clock to keep me company.

it’s interesting that when i am running low on the sleep meter, that my zombie only comes out at work. for the past couple of weeks i’ve been spending a lot of time with a certain lovely female friend (which admittedly has some part in this whole not getting enough sleep, because there is mutual infatuation and we are both being evil and undisciplined, but you know, it’s good fun *sigh*) and when i am with her i never feel like a zombie. sure we both feel tired and sometimes we crash out on the couch for a few hours, but once we wake up we end up talking into the wee hours of the morning, with only a rare yawn here and there.

but really, i’m not complaining at all, because i haven’t felt this good about a person in a long time. and here it is: i like her. a lot.

we are both nervous and uncertain and paranoid, but in a cute sort of way. having both come out of pretty brutal relationships, we’ve been trying to take it slow to feel each other out (not in that head in the gutter sort of the way, you perverts); after all, having been friends for years before expressing any type of interest in each other beyond friendship, we think we owe it to each other to make sure we know what we are doing in order not to make things weird if things don’t work, because above ANYTHING, we are friends.

that’s not to say that things won’t work out, because if things keep going they way they do, we might just end up being the bestest couple in the world. okay, okay, that’s the “i’m really digging on her” voice talking, but it would really nice if things worked out. with our mutual interest and emphasis on having trust and communication being an important part of the relationship, i think this could be a great thing.

so enough of the gushing. personal design wise, i’ve been stuck with the beginnings of a new interface for some time now, and i can’t find my way past it. i’m really digging how it looks, but for some reason i can’t find a way to stick actual interface elements into it. with such an organic feels, it almost feels wrong to put something structured and uniform in there. i would like to put something graphical in for navigation though (especially after having one that was completely text) but finding a way to make it mesh with what i currently have is proving to be more difficult than i thought.

anyhow, here’s some brain stuff:

Your Brain Usage Profile

Auditory : 43%

Visual : 56%

Left : 50%

Right : 50%

Mark, you exhibit an even balance between left- and right- hemisphere dominance and a slight preference for visual over auditory processing. With a score this balanced, it is likely that you would have slightly different results each time you complete this self-assessment quiz.

You are a well-rounded person, distinctly individualistic and artistic, an active and multidimensional learner. At the same time, you are logical and disciplined, can operate well within an organization, and are sensitive towards others without losing objectivity. You are organized and goal-directed. Although a “thinking” individual, you “take in” entire situations readily and can act on intuition.

You sometimes tend to vacillate in your learning styles. Learning might take you longer than someone of equal intellect, but you will tend to be more thorough and retain the material longer than those other individuals. You will alternate between logic and impulse. This vacillation will not normally be intentional or deliberate, so you may experience anxiety in situations where you are not certain which aspect of yourself will be called on.

With a slight preference for visual processing, you tend to be encompassing in your perceptions, process along multidimensional paths and be active in your attacking of situations or learning.

Overall, you should feel content with your life and yourself. You are, perhaps, a little too critical of yourself — and of others — while maintaining an “openness” which tempers that tendency. Indecisiveness is a problem and your creativity may not be in keeping with your potential. Being a pragmatist, you downplay this aspect of yourself and focus on the more immediate, obvious and the more functional.

Jun 03


a clock ticks. a buzzer rings. my mind sits up and gets ready for work, but my body continues to lay limp under the covers. hot waters slip and slide down me, bubbles clean. fresh clean clothes smell good. the sun is out; where are my sunglasses? oh, they are at her house – that’s cool – i have another pair in my car. the air is fresh. a smile across of my face. thoughts of her. water is sweet. my hands aren’t shaking. traffic is cruising. construction is nil. it isn’t raining. the car is running smoothly and i’ve got 1000 miles before my next oil change.

i can appreciate when things are going well. i’d like to grab a piece of it and hide it away for a rainy day.