life has grown into a great uncertainty.
i realized this after a night of severe dreaming. now, i get that it’s a well known fact that everyone dreams – however, not everyone remembers them when they wake up. being as i am one of those that don’t usually remember my dream visioned flights of fancy once i wake, it struck me odd that i would remember a lot if not most of what i dreamt last night.
perhaps it was the cold, frigid air that night, as i had left my door slightly ajar, allowing the rogue and less accepted air to creep into my bedroom – or maybe it was due to the fact that i had a particularly stressful time at work yesterday. i don’t think i’ll ever know.
what i do know is that while i stared into the mirror, covered in a slight sweat after waking from my last night journey, i felt that something was wrong. now, it wasn’t the type of wrong where i thought my life was in danger or that someone i cared about was going to die, but something definitely felt awry. so to try and analyze why the hell my mind was racing in this fashion, i sat down and began to recollect my first couple of dreams.
some time later, i decided that my dreams were pointing to the uncomfortable notion that i didn’t know what was up with my life. i am 4 years into my career, but don’t feel like i am progressing forward. my educational path stopped years ago despite my father’s adamant disagreement, and while he and many others continue to prod me that i should go back to school again, both my heart and my mind don’t want to. how can i ignore that? my financial situation is precarious at best, with one and a half years of planning hardly making a dent. i am still reeling from a relationship that disintegrated in front of me and have no immediate plans to pursue another one. not that i have a large amount of options in that regards – the memory of “lines at the door” has long been lost.
so while i am generally feeling better about myself these days, i really don’t know where i’m at and more importantly, where i’m going. but you know, i’m not really distressed about it. how can i amidst all this panic, fury and concern over nuclear, chemical and biological warfare?
i’m going to get some lunch.