life observations, thoughts

small droplets of water rolled in as i raced through the evening rain. light fragments dissolved and refracted off the little specks of water as the wind pooled them into moving rivers. thoughts of excess and living rampantly ping-ponged inside of me while street lights blurred off into the rear view mirror like distant memories. i pondered for a moment where i was – and i was still there.

i long to be continuously self-motivated. motivation comes to me in spurts (more not than often) and when those peaks of “go!” begin to wane away i grasp at its dissipating trails and beg for it to stay. they usually never listen as they race off into the light leaving me behind to slink away.

i’m going to work. buzz me if you know how to get in touch with me – i’d like to hear what you’ve been up to, i’d like the company.

throwing caution into the wind. that was something that i was going to attempt with the newest incarnation of my collected personal writings. mind you, i did make some minor effort to protect those that i mentioned so there wouldn’t any type of backlash towards them, but i wasn’t really looking to protect myself in any way. i mean, why did i need to? not many people knew that i was writing again (except for you few crazy people that stayed on my mailing list during the two year hiatus from the web – i love you guys!) and mostly because this is for me. it’s my page, it’s my writing, it’s my thoughts and feelings, so why should i not benefit because of being worried about what others would think of me and what i was thinking?

because of this, i became embarrassed. not because someone who i wrote about eventually found what i was writing and questioned why i would write those things about them without talking to them about it. it was because i couldn’t believe i hadn’t done it sooner. having written about what went on in my life for several years, i always wrote through the filter of preventing any type of negative altercation of consequence; this left my writings drab and mundane for the most part, without any real sense of emotion or genuineness.

granted, i could have chosen some words with more wisdom – if i weren’t so lucky some people might have been offended or hurt, which would definitely not have been my intent. as i pointed out earlier, this is for me. this is a way for me to process my stream of consciousness in a tangible way, a way to get all the analytical out in front of me in a tangible manner. and i love it.

even with the television muted i can still hear what guy pearce is saying: rolo tomasi.

step 729263684534: inhale.

his foot twitched. the light is too bright, i need to turn it off. i haven’t been able to play metroid fusion as much as i’d like too – i should be finished by now. do i have enough money in my checking account? maybe i need to transfer some funds. when will that battery ship? i should just go ahead and get that case on eBay. bed, bed, BED! why can’t i get motivated? i need to stop enjoying being lazy. i should ask j—- if he wants to go running. i need to call my sister. i need to call my other sister. i need to go visit my baby sister and talk logistics with my father. i wonder how j— is doing. when will a— finally get it? when will m— realize he is being a dick? c—- just got married this weekend, he looks happy. should i bring up the INS to him? my bike rack is still sitting in my office – i should probably set that back up on my car (because of all the copious amounts of biking i’ve been doing). sammy needs to write me back. what the fuck is dreamhosts problem? children of dune starts this month! w00t! i love scannerfunk, but i’ve been listening to medeski, martin and wood. i have too many credit cards, must cancel and consolidate. i need to work on stockscams. i need to work on schiffrin & barroway. i need to work on hatzel & beuhler. i did 3 sets of 40 sit-ups, doesn’t feel like enough. should i get a new computer? a powerbook 12er, or a iMac 17er? or maybe a (shudder) pc? sure would be cheaper. i need to sign up for that motorcycle class. i need to call in about car insurance, being 25 and all. i need to look into a ducati monster. i have to finish wrapping up code on dreams. a— and i need to finish comaflow. then we start on valueneutral. tell j—- to do cerebralflux stuff so i can install MT. need to plan out somnific and scannerfunk. drop drinking iced tea. take tally of how many days i’ve stopped smoking. bring hacksaw to father. look into boards of canada. visit dentist. buy razors. shave head tonight. sleep early. lunch: subway or chinese? probably subway. diner. contact a—– about hamilton university. gamecube zelda march 24. i should install os x v10.2. can a G3 handle quartz extreme?

step 7292636845325: exhale.

why am i not worried about all of this? i really should be, especially when i sit down and think about my location on the eastern seaboard and the potential for disaster. but i’m not. instead i go to places like new york, wilmington and philadelphia as thoughts of worry and anxiety roll of my back like rain against a yellow slicker. i see people obsessing and being frenzied as they gather duct tape and saranwrap, hoarding food in large blue tubs and buying ample amounts of bottled water. last time i bought duct tape and saranwrap was NEVER. last time i went grocery shopping (which was probably two weeks ago – all hail to eating out!) i bought toothpaste, razors, an extension cord, floss and hand soap. i should be concerned, but i’m not. i am informed and yet uninterested and proceed throughout my day not thinking thoughts of freedom fries, nuclear threats and psychological warfare.

freedom fries? what the FUCK?!

step 729263684536: blink.

step 729263684537: inhale.