winter has been brutal. by far, the weather where i previously lived was much harsher and unforgiving, but having gotten used to such mild post-autumns has spoiled me and makes me wish that spring or fall were here again (because secretly i enjoy winters a tiny, tiny bit more than summers. i know, ass-backwards). it’s been the coldest and longest winter that i’ve dealt with since moving down here and with the horrible snow removal in my neighborhood – and general area – i have become less inclined to enjoy snow as it drifts in. as soon i see white specks flickering in revealed more clearly at night by the soft yellow glow of street lights i’m thinking “god that’s beautiful, but driving in this shit is going to be a bitch.”.
my office definitely did not escape unscathed by this past season. my work complex has been plagued several times by acts of nature (aka in-office floods) which has brought our general paranoia to a higher level. whenever there is hard rain or a large amount of snow we wonder if our office will be flooded and whether the precautions that our landlord took to prevent water from seeping in clandestinely will actually stand true. for two years things held up and then we became complacent; a few weeks ago the cold froze our pipes and gutters and the water came in and soaked up our carpets. shutting down operations, bringing in wetvacs, and making sure expensive electronics wouldn’t be damaged became our main priority. after the initial wave of problems our office space became wet and damp, bringing in mold which made employees sick and also attributed to the “swampy” smell that now permeated throughout.
suffice to say, bitching and moaning ensued and we are finally getting our carpets replaced. this of course required that we pack up our fragile belongings and little toys (breaking down my lego set was just as fun as it was putting up) in order to make things easier for the crew that would be coming in. now, while i sorted through my papers and documents to see what i should throw out or spare i came upon an old steno notebook – my first since working at the company – that mostly contained weird abstract doodles, several meeting notes and the hours i put in for the projects that had been assigned to me. deep within the uselessness inside i did find one gem: a draft for a letter i had written. it read:
Dear Dad,
I came to the LF (which is not a cult by the way) to learn about myself and relationships. However, what I’ve learned is that I haven’t been completely honest to myself. For a long time I have been under the pretense that you were never willing to listen to me, that you never thought that I could do anything right. In actuality I’ve been using these excuses and lying to myself that my shortcomings have been due to your unwillingness to support me and believe in me. Because of this interpretation, it has destroyed my ability to be approachable and to approach those that I love. I felt for many years that your critical and analytical report of me was only to spite me and make me look like a fool, but I have since come upon the realization that you only wanted the best for me and not have to go through the same hardships that you had to go through when you were growing up.
I’d like to say that I am sorry for blaming these things on you for all these years, and I ask that you forgive me. I have made the possibility for my life to be forgiving, trusting, open and accountable for my actions and as a result I am inviting you completely into my life and to begin the truly open dialogue that we never possessed. I hope and pray that you will except my invitation.
Love,
Mark
i read this to him the day after i wrote this draft. our relationship has never been the same.
i kept on wondering when things changed in your life so much. i think it was the LP. this letter makes me soo happy and sad at the same time. i guess all i can do is cry.